The Journey

The words and ideas of hope, perspective, change, a foundation and control are words and ideas that have been going through my head. I think they are reoccurring thoughts, but familiar as the past couple of months I feel as if I have been floating through another world. It seems crazy each word applies to many aspects of my life, not just one.

Hope

To live with hope, there is a promise. To compare hope to hopelessness there is a huge contrast. With hope there is a drive, an inspiration and desire. In comparison, hopelessness is without passion, to give up. The word hope has been something that has been more developed into my threads of the way I journey through life. In my heart there is vast hope for the world and life.

Perspective

There is so much in life where perspective is a major check and focus often taken out of the idea of ration, yet when circumstances happen, genuine perspective occurs. This is one of many lessons I have learned the past few months.

Change

Change makes one uncomfortable, deepens faith, provides ideas of uncertainty, but brings definite growth and full reliance/surrender to the Lord. There has been a ridiculous amount of change the past few months, both personal and social…..it’s almost funny…., yet through it all I understand (and sometimes don’t) that the change was/is necessary to happen and God has and will continue to prepare/guide/use me.

Foundation

With a strong foundation, life can be understood and concurred. On Christ the sold rock I stand. There is no change with the foundation of the Lord, I change, and he remains constant. With Christ I am assured and taken care of through life and that is a comfort to me.

Control

In the heart there has to be a peace that knows that to have control really does not mean to have the reins are in your hands, but in the hands of the Lord. Life is too short to try to control what happens. I thrive to have control, but am constantly reminded circumstances are typically out of my control. Lately, rather then looking for control, I have been searching for wisdom. Life seems out of control, but really in control when change, the right perspective and foundation are in line!



Journey

Pretty much since the end of September, every weekend I would drive up north to meet my sister and mom to help care for Gflo. My routine started by waking up on Saturdays at 4:30am to get up north by 10:00am, but then I started to leave Fridays when the bell rang for school to be dismissed. The weekend for me was Thursday nights as I did my laundry, paid and filed bills and tried to be sane. I have been home very little between work (with my kids getting suspended/sent to the office for ridiculous actions) and being at Gflo’s. Between the weeks of going up north there were huge changes in the health status of Glo. They were very noticeable. During this time, as a family we reflected and decided various actions that Gflo had had the past couple of years was a result of the brain tumor. It was true there were times that she was not herself; I believe this is why; unfortunately I was the one who got the weird Gflo actions. I am over it now because I get it.

Two weeks prior to Thanksgiving week my entire family was able to go to Gflo’s house to celebrate birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas early. Gflo is a big catalog shopper, and shops all year long; she really did pick out our gifts. That was hard. If one of us started to cry, then another started. Our goal was to eat turkey and the whole shabang at noon, by five we ate. There was so much demand and time that was necessary to take care and make sure Gflo was comfortable. She ate all the special Tday foods, even the cranberry sauce I am stuck making the rest of my life, because we can’t eat it from a can!

The week prior to Thanksgiving, I decided that I would be able to take a weekend and a few days in NYC with Nikki. It was WONDERFUL! It was the perfect trip with amazing times! Meanwhile, this was the time where Glo’s health decreased. I came back the Tuesday prior to Thanksgiving. That night was the hardest night for Gflo. UG went into her room, as she was bedridden and not eating, he went to hold her hand and she would not let go. He ended up sleeping next to her on her real bed as she was in the hospital bed in her house bedroom. I woke up early Wednesday morning and drove up north to be there by 9am.

Because I have experience in the category of seeing someone in their last days, I tried to prepare myself to see GFlo on oxygen in her bed, knowing she’d be different from the last time I saw her. That was a waste of my time. When I walked into her room, she was in a state I could not prepare myself to see, until that moment happened. She was breathing from her diaphragm short breaths. When I got there she opened her eyes to look at me. When she looked at me it was as if she was looking through me as her eyes were glazed over and almost looked like Emma or Grant when they were jaundice infants. Because she was hooked up to oxygen she had a huge cold sore on her mouth. I held her cold hand to let her know I was there. Yeah, ol’ faithful was definitely happening. And what do you know my volume increased as I told her my nine dollar “hot dog deal” of a jacket in NYC. Mom even reminded me that Gflo could hear fine! Everyone laughed.

From then on I thought I’d become the kitchen nazi. When going through craziness, eating always makes things better. I helped to prepare our prime rib dinner and of course made cookies. Glfo’s kitchen has everything anyone would want to cook in! Nurses came by to bathe and check the status of Gflo. They of course did not believe that I was a teacher. Jamie and mom got very defensive. It was funny. Duh, I’m not going to get dolled up to be at Gflo’s all day in her state. By noon, my sis and I were watching TV with Gflo in her room, well Glfo’s eyes were closed. We giggled and made jokes, as we usually do. I was watching my cheesie warm and fuzzy Christmas love stories…then Jamie got fed up with them so we settled on watching the Kardashins’ Wedding. It was funny for at one point the two sisters of the bride were in a sex shop getting ready for the bachelorette party when Jamie and I realized Gflo was in the room and probably did not want to hear what they were buying. We were certain her hearing was keen. We changed it back to my sappy Christmas show! We were noticing that Glfo’s fingers were turning blue and were really cold. Her color was changing also, but never showed sign of pain or discomfort. We knew what was happening, in her state, her body was slowly shutting down, with her circulation very slow and organs failing. About 6:45, I decided to get up to go to the bathroom, after being in Glo’s room most of the day. By the time I got back from the bathroom, Jamie noticed something was not right. I got my mom and UG. The four of us, on all sides of Glfo, and talked to her, “Go dance, we will be ok, we are all here.” Within a five minute span, we all were there to watch her take her last breath, as her chest did not rise anymore. It was peaceful, with no pain whatsoever. I was a mess, she waited for me to get there that day, we all knew.

From there the hospice nurse came for the paperwork and made a time of death. Jamie and I were sitting in the living room, recovered slightly, making jokes wondering if the Kardsians had anything to do with it? This is the best part. UG walked in the room and with the straightest face ever, looked me in the eyes and said, “If you need medicine to help calm you down I have something very mild.” Before he turned in the hall, I glanced at Jamie, who of course made me laugh at an inappropriate time. Everyone in the family knows I would be the last to need medication compared to them. Jamie even made me laugh more when she was wondering why he did not offer her the action! Ah, it was funny in the moment. Jamie saved me on the recovery as the one to explain why I laughed to UG, for I was biting my lip not to laugh again.

By 9, people (small town- actually a classmate of UG, and UG dated his sis in high school-she was pretty, guess she could have been an aunt!) came to take the body, then house was quiet. We ate our meal that was not cooked right and were numb the eve of Thanksgiving. We continued to have conversations in regards to the whole perspective of life and each moment. Each moment by moment is a gift. We witnessed how that worked first hand. Since I like the phrase moment by moment, Jamie decided she liked, second by second. Coming into the world is a miracle. When exiting the world, it confirms how this is a place that is temporary, not one that is to last forever. If one does not believe that concept the way to deal with death is very difficult, for the hope is missing.

On Thanksgiving, mom and I took Jamie to the airport and had more laughs as she was the only passenger on the 19 passenger plane. She even took pictures with the Tom Cruise pilots and observed if one would be a good brother-in-law! We vegged and ate the day away.

From there we had lots to do. Made arrangements with funeral home of what to do with the body, picked the casket/accessories, clothes to be buried in, paperwork for death certificate, paperwork for newspaper articles (http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/modestobee/obituary.aspx?n=florence-alma-hagemann&pid=136810283 ), flowers for casket/pull barriers, picture slide show, framed picture, design and write the brochure for service, return hospice materials/equipment, make phone calls, have lots of visitors, bake cookies, pick food/place for after the service, arrange place of burial, and I am sure there are more, but this is off the top my head.

I went home for a few days to work. I began to stress because I had to assess my kids with benchmarks, grade them and meet a deadline to turn in my report cards with a new program I have never heard of. But all that had to be on hold till after the services. So instead of school work, I decided to take three days off to have time before and after the service to help out. The pre and post action that comes with a sub and the atmosphere of a classroom is one of my least favorite things to deal with. The sub told me in the sub report that one of my students is one of the most terrible students he has ever dealt with. Yep, but for some reason I care about him. Meanwhile two of my girls went through each backpack on the hooks outside the classroom and stole things they wanted, while everyone was at recess. Yeah, that was fun to deal with! And I guess I was a celebrity upon returning, for some students brought me gifts. They students were very sweet and thoughtful. The gifts are going in the best white elephant gift box ever! Just kidding. I have to keep ‘em in my classroom till the end of the year!

The days before the funeral were comic. Mom, Jamie, the kids and I are in the car cruising, stopped at a stop sign, all thinking it is a signal. We sat at a stop sign through an entire song, with not one of us noticing it was a stop sign. Oh dear. My mom got a manicure and chipped her nail, the same nail, three times in a matter of 30 minutes. Good thing I locked my keys in the truck of the locked car after grocery shopping so she had time to go back in the nail saloon by the grocery store to get her nail fixed. The water pitcher from the refrigerator was missing, instead of putting it back where it belongs; it was placed with the cups in the cupboard. The pastor for the service called a few days prior, and said he had a family emergency and could not be there. The replacement was very happy, that is the only way I can describe him. I have a good impersonation. A pull barer threw out his back. Chris’ flight got cancelled the night before the service, as he was the new the replacement, that was solved, but crazy at the moment. Oh man dull moments are a rare existence.

The day of celebration, sounds better than funeral, was long. We went to the funeral home. Mom and Jamie wanted to make sure the body was embalmed with respect. Not my thing, I hung with Chris outside. From there the family met at the funeral home to load up and drive to the cemetery. Grandad and Gflo are together at the Korean War Memorial Cemetery. Since we have been through a service like that before we had some idea of what to expect. It was freezing. We watched the casket go down in the ground. Pretty crazy. You have to have it together and know with certainty everything we saw was a shell. It was no longer Gflo. Though you would think that the car ride from the cemetery to the service would be solemn and sad, it wasn’t. Jamie discovered that one of my aunts that we never see had hair extensions. She is in her seventies, grey as ever with long stringy extensions. When Jamie hugged her she was inches away from the sight of the extension clasps in our aunt’s hair! Comedy, it’s funny for she is just awkward as it is, oh man. Then we started to make the jokes the whole way to the service. So funny!

The service/food part was fine. Lots of people from the community came. Apparently mom should go in the business of speaking at services, for the joke was that some people wanted to hire her for after their parent passes away. Sort of weird. People don’t know what to say. It was interesting meeting people whom we have heard so many stories about and knew my dad and grandparents hung out with. One lady, introduced herself and knew we would not know her, but only of her. She was the farmer who gave kittens to my Grandad, for Jamie and I to have when we were little.

By 8ish-9ish we were back at the house, eating and discussing the day.

What a journey this has been, not only for me, but for my family and friends. Something we have been talking about a lot is the difference between a sudden death and a slow death. The conclusion is they are both hard. With a sudden death, you are numb and that is the initial reaction, then months later feel it. Slow death, you have time, and in a since grieve through the whole process, and you feel the pain through it. Ultimately, it is hard, but brings one closer to the gift and truth of how precious the life that we live really is. It is not about us.

I know I, along with the family are happy to be home to rest and try to regroup. We are all taking a break and then will return up north to the house at a later time to begin a huge project of sorting and dividing. We are in no hurry, for it is a spring or summer project.

Of course writing verses taking an action is easy, but I believe, with a strong hope, the right perspective, understanding of who has control, what my foundation is made of and with life’s journey many changes occur, I and the family are going to be fine.